What Makes a Good Book Club?
When our kids were little and we were craving mental stimulation, my friend Tara and I started a book club. We invited some of our neighbors and worked out a format we thought would work. New friends joined and others left, but what happened over the next 18 years was pretty amazing. Over 200 books later, we have developed incredible bonds, not only with each other, but between our husbands and kids, most of whom are now adults themselves. Our group has become so much more than just a book club. We have even turned the generic term “book club” into a proper noun, such as in “Let’s invite Book Club for a cookout,” or “Love, Book Club,” as the signature on a get-well card. The comfort and support we give each other has had an incredibly positive impact on our lives. I’d like to share some of the things that work for us, with the hope of inspiring other groups of friends to enrich their lives by developing relationships around books.
These are the principles that guide our Book Club:
Talk about the Book
Discussing a book is one of the best ways to get to know someone. Sure, it’s interesting to discover that someone loves a sappy romance or can’t stand historical fiction, but what I’m talking about is much deeper than that. A topic in a book might bring out that someone lost a friend by suicide, or the pain they suffered while caring for a parent with Alzheimer’s, or the pride they felt in becoming an American citizen. In our discussions, we learn about childhood memories, family relationships or forgotten college experiences. But more importantly, we learn about the events that made each of us who we are today. This level of intimacy and vulnerability wouldn’t come up on the sidelines of a sporting event or at a lunch with work colleagues. Talking about the books allows us to take our friendships to a deeper level. That’s not to say we don’t socialize and have fun - we spend plenty of time laughing and talking about our kids and our jobs, but everyone knows the main focus of the evening will be on discussing the book.
Split the responsibilities
Each month, we split the duties into three jobs so that no one gets overwhelmed, and give the dutes kitschy names - Snackstress, Facilitator and Hostess. The Snackstress brings a simple snack to stand around while we drink wine and catch up. The Facilitator prepares discussion questions, keeps the conversation on track and sometimes ensures that everyone is well behaved. The Hostess obviously clears a space for us in her home, but that is all she has to worry about. Separating the duties works well for us because we think it is a big enough commitment to have to straighten the house, put out some chairs and feed the family before Book Club arrives, let alone prepare food and discussion questions. Some people have fun with the snack and tie it into the theme of the book, such as when someone brought Wheaties and hard boiled eggs when we read “Breakfast of Champions,” or trail mix and water bottles when we read a book about stranded hikers. It’s fun to see how our schedules have changed over the years. The friend who could never host because of a young child now loves to host; but a once regular Hostess, can’t because her daughter and fiance are living in the basement. The idea is that we want everyone to do what works for them and doesn’t cause any additional stress. This is our time and we want to fully enjoy it.
Take the best and leave the rest
Often the topics in the books we read bring out controversial issues. Clearly, we all have different backgrounds and don’t want to be judged for our choices. As the years passed and we have gotten to know each other better, we have a better idea of how someone may be thinking or whether a certain topic is sensitive or offensive to another. Despite our best efforts, it is inevitable that someone is going to offend another for their opinions or approach. We have had minor disagreements about why a fictional character chose to do something or on how we thought a characters’ life evolved after the end of the book. We have had more major disagreements about appropriate parenting styles issues or accusations of prejudice, and that’s not even touching on politics. When we read the book, “The Dinner,” which is a story about two families whose children committed a serious crime, our discussion opened up an interesting debate on how we would handle the situation if it were our own children who committed the crime. We learn things we love about each other and other things we might wish we didn’t know.
Keep things Fresh
To keep the group interesting for so many years, we have had to keep things fresh. We read books from every genre, including best-sellers, thrillers, science fiction, historical fiction, poetry non-fiction, romance, and so on. We even hilariously acted out the play, “The Importance of Being Earnest.” We have hosted guest authors, dressed in costume, played games and gotten together many times to watch the movie versions of books we read. My personal favorite, is every couple of years we invite our husbands to participate. The first time, some of the men, including my husband, rolled their eyes at how ridiculous it seemed to get together to discuss a book, but most of them (including my husband) read the book and actively participated in the discussion. Over the years, our husbands have become friends and we socialize as couples and families outside of Book Club, but I think they were curious to experience the inner workings of this club that has deeply impacted our families.
When we celebrated our ten year anniversary of Book Club, we had a getaway weekend. As we were sitting down to lunch that Saturday, I remember looking around the table and saying, “Tell me again why we took ten years to do this.” We have gone away for a weekend every year since. These weekends are amazing – we rent a big house, cook together, eat, drink, play games, cycle, run, walk, get facials, shop, paint, and talk, talk, talk. Sometimes we have tied our weekend getaway into a book, like when we visited Falling Waters the year we read a Frank Lloyd Wright book, or when we volunteered at a winery to plant vines after reading a documentary about a trip though wine country.
Appreciate and celebrate each other
We have celebrated milestones together (weddings, children, second marriages, birthdays, graduations etc.) and we have struggled together with issues relating to toddlers, teenagers, addictions, work stress, surgeries and deaths. Sometimes, we have to step in for each other and make meals, pick up kids or listen to a really long story about a problem at work. But other times, just knowing we have each other is good enough.
Each year we participate in a charity event. Books have inspired us to host holiday parties at a local memory loss facility, prepare food for the homeless, make baby blankets and scarves for a women’s center and volunteer for international organizations, such as Days for Girls. Throughout it all, we support each other.
Yes, I am proud when I realize how many books on the bestseller lists I have read, or how I can say “I liked the book better” when watching a new blockbuster film. But mostly, I am proud of the friendships I have made while doing so.